To get out of this trap, it can help…

To get out of this trap, it can help to temporarily suspend the habitual self-immersed view we have of ourselves and the world. You look again at the painful experience - not through your own eyes, but as if you were observing from a distance, like a fly on the wall, observing what happened to a third party. This change in perspective alters how the experience is appraised and understood.

— from The Relationship With Yourself (Traits/Reflection) · Marshmallow Test: Why Self-Control is the Engine of Success by Walter Mischel

In the book

Here the crucial distinction is between reflection and brooding. They look similar but do opposite things: genuine reflection on a hard experience leaves you less depressed over time, while brooding — turning the grievance over and over — only deepens the darkness. When you find yourself trapped in the loop, the escape is to step outside your own skin: stop viewing the painful memory through your own eyes and watch it from a distance, like a fly on the wall observing what happened to a third party, which changes how the whole thing feels. Get out from between your own ears, look at yourself from the outside for a moment, and you will be both more realistic and, strangely, kinder. […] Know your foundations. Name your strengths, your values, where you belong, and what you can contribute; find them by reflecting on when you did your best work. Let the past go. When you are stuck in the loop, step outside and watch yourself like a fly on the wall, then stop trying to control what is already gone and release it. To my children, and to theirs: — The Relationship With Yourself (Traits/Reflection)

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