Jem statements

Jem statements. This is the truth underneath the disagreement, something you both agree on. Even when we can’t agree, we have never doubted the good intentions. it is important to return to the Jem statement during a conflict. When arguing, the natural thing is to restate your point of view until the other person sees the issue the way you do. What is the values disagreement underneath our practical disagreement?

— from Communication & Conflict (Communication/Conflict) · How to Know a Person by David Brooks

In the book

You can put a different view forward loudly or quietly, but put it forward persistently. The master key is to dig beneath the surface fight to the thing you share. Under almost every practical disagreement lies a deeper value you both actually hold; name it, return to it, and refuse to doubt the other person's good intentions — that shared truth underneath is the ground you negotiate from. The best conflict-resolvers do exactly this: they help all parties recognize their common values and human needs, which is why they must first be seen as trustworthy. […] Make honesty easy. Build candid, informal dialogue; say the thing plainly rather than assuming you were understood; ask for "one thing to start, one thing to stop"; and speak up even in the unanimous room. In conflict, say less — and look inward first. Open by asking what you contributed; disagree without being disagreeable; and dig for the shared value beneath the fight. Negotiate both-sides, never zero-sum. Ask why it matters to them, build trust before you bargain, and when you can, step into their shoes. — Communication & Conflict (Communication/Conflict)

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